The Corporal Correction of Children – Part 5

Posted in In line with Scripture

“If they break My statutes and do not keep My commandments, then I will visit their transgression with the rod, and their iniquity with stripes. Nevertheless My lovingkindness I will not utterly take from him, nor allow My faithfulness to fail.” — Psalms 89:31-33

Most of us probably believe that loving our children comes naturally. This is not entirely true. Paul told Titus to teach the older women so that “they can train the younger women to love their….children.” (Titus 2:4, NIV). Yes, we need to be taught to love our children. Why? Because we can never afford to forget or underestimate the deceitfulness of sin within our own hearts. With children especially, to love them means to love the baggage that comes with them. An infant’s incessant crying has to be the most stressful sound of all and has caused more than one parent to lose control. Children simply demand a vast amount of attention, when, really, we would love to be doing something else. I mean, who loves to be up to one’s elbows in pooed nappies, vomit-covered blankets and urine-soaked sheets with samples of the last several meals still lying on the floor, running down the walls and streaked through one’s hair? Expectant parents need to be warned, grandparents need to be reminded and new parents need support all along the way to continue to love their children when the inevitable hard times come.

Love means commitment. It is a rare commodity these days but even more priceless as a result of its scarcity. The love commitment to our children will often mean we must do things we really do not want to do at all. A job from which many of us will shrink and avoid if at all possible is spanking. In today’s climate where child abuse is seen as one of the worst evils, we may be afraid to do it or even to consider doing it. Even so, we should be even more afraid of ignoring the clear teaching of Scripture: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24 RSV).

Yes, spanking is a demonstration of our love, and in it we mirror the love of our Heavenly Father: “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline or be weary of His reproof, for the Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.” (Proverbs 3:11-12 RSV). Therefore Biblically applied spanking has excellent benefits. “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant; later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11 RSV). The Scripture here is promising the fruit of righteousness for our children if we will train them via proper (painful rather than pleasant) discipline. The most difficult aspect of this is the discipline we ourselves need in order to follow through consistently. Love is just plain hard work.

Again, love means commitment. The love commitment to our children will often mean we must do things for which we do not feel the least bit prepared nor qualified. This is not surprising when we consider what the King of kings has commanded regarding ourselves and our children: “And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart; you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7 NKJV). Notice how God’s Word must first be in the hearts of us parents, so much so that we live it, breathe it, sleep it. Obviously the training here is by word and deed, our children getting to see and hear a godly sermon at the same time as they observe us, our lives being lived before their eyes. Is your life like that?

Spank Until It Hurts

Now again, our modern Western culture conceives of love as mostly sentimentality and gush. The “Tough Love” movement has worked out that this approach is lacking, but TL itself is off on a tangent because it is not based on the Word of God. When one has an accurate understanding of the doctrine of sin, one then will fear it above all things, never trifle or flirt with it and never ever compromise with it, especially when it is seen manifested in one’s own children. At this point, brothers and sisters in Christ, people of God, we are dealing with life and death issues of everlasting importance and implications. To drive sin out of our children is a fearful and awesome task which requires the resoluteness and discipline of steel, for we must implement the following Scriptural instructions: “Blows that hurt cleanse away evil, as do stripes the inner depths of the heart.” (Proverbs 20:30 NKJV). This is often far more unpleasant for us parents than for the children. But the alternative — ineffective discipline — is far worse for it allows the foolishness of sin to become entrenched in our children’s lives. The Scriptures have terrible warnings about allowing that to happen: “Though you grind a fool in a mortar with a pestle along with crushed grain, yet his foolishness will not depart from him.” (Proverbs 27:22 NKJV). The foolishness becomes fixed and permanent, unable to be removed by any human effort. Yes, the Lord can work miracles in such lives, and praise His Holy Name, He has done so on many occasions. But if we ignore this warning and the promise of righteousness in Hebrews 12:11 as mentioned above, we have no logical right to expect the Lord’s mercy at such a latter stage.

If our children do not cry with the one stroke we normally give, then they may require another. If they start hollering to raise the roof in protest, not repentence, they definitely get another. Pastor Al Martin tells the story of being whipped by his father, then slamming the door leaving the room. His mother called out, “Give him some more, Pa, he ain’t sweet yet,” referring to the evidence that her son was not yet in sweet submission to his parents’ authority. Now remember: the objective is to drive out the foolishness. If it is still manifesting itself after the spank by the child slamming doors, talking back, etc., then clearly the rod has not yet dislodged the foolishness. More stripes are required.

Yes, this is a difficult area, for giving some children (like one of ours aged 8) only one stroke of the rod is totally ineffective. For others (like another one of ours aged 3) simply asking, “Are you being disobedient?” often seems enough to drive the foolishness out. Each child is different and part of our job as parents is to observe each child carefully and know them enough to know when they are being rebellious (manifesting sinful foolishness) and when they are just having us on (being playful) and when they are truly unaware of having done wrong (childish misconceptions or ignorance due to our lack of instruction). In addition, we must be very careful to draw the line between willful sinful behaviour, which requires the rod of correction, and mere childishness, which may need only verbal admonition and counsel. Wetting the bed, spilling food and drink, dropping and breaking crockery, making a huge mess or loud noises when eating or playing are for younger children especially not acts of rebellion but indications of physical, mental and social immaturity. Same for getting the maths answers wrong or playing the wrong musical note: although many or our parents and grandparents were caned for such mistakes in school and at home, such treatment is little short of barbaric.

Spank Without Anger

This can hardly be overstressed. “Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath, for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19-20 NKJV). Spanking is not hitting, beating or punishing. Punishment is God’s domain. Do not let yourself or enemies of the faith equate spanking with violence. Spanking is chastisement, corporal correction, discipline, driving out the foolishness. However, if spanking is done in anger, out of frustration or annoyance, in retaliation, to save face, carried to excess or done to cause humiliation (see Deuteronomy 25:3), then it does become a form of unBiblical violence, and then it will tend to breed violence, hate and resentment. But Biblical spanking, the sober, prayerful, fearful and judicial use of the rod of correction, is emphatically not violence.

Finally, do not hold a grudge. Spanking leaves the offense forever in the past. If you bring up a past incident, let it be a careful illustration; otherwise it will be a humiliation, a breaking of trust, unfair and unjust.

From Keystone Magazine
January 2001 , Vol. VII No. 1
P O Box 9064
Palmerston North
Phone: (06) 357-4399
Fax: (06) 357-4389
email: craig@hef.org.nz

The Corporal Correction of Children – Part 4

Posted in In line with Scripture

Spanking deals immediately with the issue. Many readers would have seen the clip on TV with the cute little girl throwing a temper tantrum. She stops and tells the viewing audience that it is no fun when no one is paying any attention. This, then, is a sample of the kind of child-rearing advice given by our state agencies: ignore the child when they misbehave, as it is only a fun ploy to gain your attention. This advice contains basic conflicts of logic: the child wants your attention, so you are advised to ignore it; the behaviour is unacceptable, but again you are advised to ignore it; it is assumed the child is having some fun at your expense, when any observer can tell that children do not enjoy tantrums. It is typical of the kind of nonsense spoken by ivory tower types, who know nothing of full-time parenting.* And it totally fails to deal with the twin issues of unacceptable (sinful) behaviour and need for attention.

*(As a matter of fact, home educators are probably the only full-time parents in the country: everyone else unloads their children off to day care or kindy or school as soon as they can. Consequently most of them listen to these ivory tower types, for they know just as little themselves, only seeing their children in the mornings and evenings and a bit during the weekend. Come to think of it, we home educators surely have regained child-rearing wisdom and skills which must have been common knowledge prior to compulsory schooling, and we surely should be listened to, our opinion should be actively sought, by state policy-makers. Ah, but I have digressed.)

Facing the tantrum square-on as the manifestation of sinful foolishness that it is, giving a spanking to drive the foolishness out (according to Proverbs 22:15 remember) and using the Word of God as your guide in counselling afterwards, you deal with all the issues. The child’s need for attention is met with clear authoritative instruction…..the child usually has no idea why it threw the tantrum; it just came out. Your attention has been focussed on an area where your input is essential for the child’s growth in maturity and self-awareness and understanding. Another measure of foolishness has been driven from the child’s heart so that it is not allowed to take root and become an integral part of the child’s character. Best of all, you have yourself conformed your actions to the Word of God through your obedience to Scripture.

Spanking does so much good for the child and for you. Apart from the several advantages already mentioned, it restores the ruptured relationship which sin always causes. You don’t sweep it under the carpet where it will fester and become cancerous, you deal with it head-on. Ancient wisdom says the same: “Nip it in the bud,” “A stitch in time saves nine.” The air is cleared of the anger, guilt, mistrust, frustration and disappointment generated by the sin. A spanking completely settles the issue (although restitution, a separate issue, may be required). Sending the child to its room or grounding it or depriving of some privilege for a period of time is not dealing with the issue of sin: it is only allowing the rebellion to foment inside and saddles you with the extra burden of having to police this period of grounding or whatever, which also serves to negatively remind everyone of the misdeed all over again. Who needs these extra complications? A spanking allows everyone can get on with life.

Now, I am not saying there is no place for sending a child to its room for a period of time out, or for grounding or some other restriction. These can be great training tools in a parent’s child-rearing arsenal. One of our children was particularly responsive to even the threat of fining her for certain behaviours…the imposition of a $2 fine was to her particularly irksome.

Spank for Breaking the 4 “D”s

So the question arises, “When should one spank, and when should one use some other tactic?” Recall the foundational concept behind spanking: to drive the sinful foolishness out of the heart. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” (Ephesians 6:1). “Whoever knows what is right to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” (James 4:17 RSV) Sin in the camp is the parent’s cue to apply the rod. We’re not talking about childishness or accidents or being boistrous or hyperactivity….we’re talking about the manifestation of sinful, wrong and unacceptable behaviour.

Keep the rules simple and few. Your children will remember every careless rule you utter and may learn from your forgetfulness that you are not serious, that you are inconsistent, that you do not keep your word. We spank our children for breaking one of the four “D”s: Disobedience, Disrespect, Dishonesty, Destructiveness. Just about every wrong will fall into one or more of these categories. Ensure that the guilty party is aware of the rules before spanking for an infringement. Disrespect must be explained, examples given, and possibly you will need to take a child who has just been grossly disrespectful aside and explain to him his sin. This first explanation may not need a spanking for the child may have had no idea it was being disrespectful. In fact these days, with our current brand of humour which seems to appreciate insults given to one another with a smile, the child may have been demonstrating a very clever talent for emulating adult social behaviour observed in another context. (It may also say something about our need to review our own sense of humour!) And do not spank for childish mistakes or accidents. Our son was playing waiter by balancing heaping plates of spaghetti and meat sauce on his fingertips at shoulder height between kitchen and dining room, when he dropped one onto our brand new, light grey, $6000 carpet. It was an accident, not sin. The rod was not employed, but he sure worked hard to clean up the mess. Dishonesty is usually seen in stealing and lying. But the concepts of private property and truthfullness must first be explained, and this can take some time. Grab every opportunity to demonstrate: when the shop assistant gives you too much change, return it. When you find some lost property, hand it in. Exaggeration is not lying. Pulling a practical joke or trying to fool someone may be getting close to lying, so beware. But trying to shift blame onto someone else by telling a false tale is lying of the worst kind and cannot be tolerated. Dropping a crystal glass and breaking it is not Destructiveness….unless the child was told not to carry the glass or handle it in that way….then the child is guilty of Disobedience. But willfully throwing rocks through a window or putting a match to the sofa just to see what would happen is Destructiveness.

Spank in Private

Chastisement in public is humiliating, so avoid it if possible. In fact, you could be accused of child abuse by the self-appointed anti-spanking vigilantes these days, so by all means, be discreet. With our two-year-old we just need to say, “Are you being disobedient?” for him to behave in a public situation….he knows what the alternative is! For us a spanking is often a 10-15 minute process. We go to the bedroom, collect the spanking rod, then fully discuss the crime. I ask the child to identify which of the four Ds was broken and to explain why I have to spank rather than tongue lash or do something creative like give lollies. There is always an opportunity to plead extenuating circumstances, and if appropriate, no spank is given. After the spank there are cuddles and prayer, at which time the child is very open, teachable and receptive. Here is the time to reason with words of instruction and encouragement.

Now, it really is a hassle to drop whatever we’re doing to embark on this process. But as the Scripture says, “…it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it”, and I reckon that includes the parents as well as the children! Remember, the object is to drive out the sin, restore the relationships spoiled by the sin, inculcate words of admonition and instruction, reaffirm your love and commitment, and get on with a life now more fully able to glorify God.

From Keystone Magazine
November 2000 , Vol. VI No. 6
P O Box 9064
Palmerston North
Phone: (06) 357-4399
Fax: (06) 357-4389
email: craig@hef.org.nz

The Corporal Correction of Children – Part 3

Posted in In line with Scripture

“Because the sentence against an evil work is not executed speedily, therefore the heart of the sons of men is fully set in them to do evil.”

— Ecclesiastes 9:11

Spank Instantly and Consistently

In situations of imminent danger and with very young children you might need to spank first and explain later. This is sensible even to those who oppose spanking! Barbara was manning a stall once with a woman who opposed spanking, who said it is never right to smack a child. When asked about the toddler reaching up to the hot element on the stove, this woman said she smacks the little one’s hand. “So it’s never right to smack a child, you say?” “Well, of course, in that situation, what else can you do?” she replied. I rest my case.

But when children challenge defiantly, you must win conclusively. And you need to win the challenge now, for a few hours later will be even less convenient, and by then, in the child’s mind, the issue has already been settled….in their favour. Just excuse yourself to whoever you are with, saying you must deal with a very critical issue.

Each of my children has had a go at being disobedient in a way that challenged my authority, that somehow said, “Let’s see who’s really in charge here.” They were surprisingly young, picked the most inconvenient and embarrassing times and places and could do so with smiles as if playing a game. I could have laughed and shrugged it off. But when I insisted on obedience and they insisted on disobeying, I knew I had to drive that disobedient foolishness out with a spank. In fact in all cases it took more than one. The usual reaction to the spank is to cry, but in these situations I got silence and a cold stare and a set jaw. It is really a bit scary seeing that in an 18-month old. The worst confrontation took 45 minutes and had me crying before she did. But once it was demonstrated who carries the authority, none of the children has ever challenged me in the same way again.

There are some really good bits of practical advice to go with this one: don’t make a rule or give a command you are not prepared to enforce. We have all seen it and we have all done it: “Johnny, if you do that again, you’re gonna get it!” But Johnny does it again, and all he gets is another earfull. To be really harsh about it, this kind of activity is teaching your child that you are a liar. Well, certainly your word can be ignored some or most or all of the time (circle the appropriate word for your level of consistency in following up a command). It communicates very clearly that you don’t mean what you say. Don’t use throw-away lines like “If you do that one more time….” Instead, think it through: is this a situation that requires intervention, or is it merely a situation that annoys you? Are the children really being disobedient and purposefully pushing the boundaries, or are they just full of beans because it’s a sunny day? If you need to intervene, then do so decisively and clearly: get their complete attention and focus on the issue and make your expectations crystal clear. Shouting at them over a distance or over their own raised voices will not accomplish the task.

Another practical hint is to inspect what you expect. If you have assigned a job or given a command for a child to do something, go check it out after an appropriate interval. Don’t allow your words to fall on deaf ears… they’re only deaf because they’ve learned you forget what you say as soon as you say it. Open those ears up with swift and consistent application of the rod of co rrection when they have not done as directed.

This is the inverse of the shepherd who cried, “Wolf!” too often. After a while, no one listened to his constant false alarms, and when the real emergency arrived, people just continued to ignore him. They had learned what he was like. If we are constantly giving out orders yet never following them up or else forgetting what we said, our children will learn that we can be ignored. Then when we issue a really important order in a situation where we simply must rely on them doing what we say, they may well just ignore us once again, having learned through long experience what we are like.

The Scripture enjoins the following attitude toward those who are all blow and no show: “When a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the thing does not happen or come to pass…you shall not be afraid of him.” (Deuteronomy 18:22) We must be consistent about spanking whenever a spankable offense occurs. And by making only commands we intend to follow up on, we can cut down on the actual number of opportunities our children have to offend. Useless, unwise commands, words of authority idly flung from our lips because we were too occupied with something else (perhaps just our easy chair) to give our full attention to a situation; such words can become real stumbling blocks and unnecessry hurdles to our children. In addition, our children may learn that it is worth the gamble to sin and disobey, do their own thing, because the threat may or may not be carried out. This is probably the most difficult aspect of child discipline because it requires disciplined parents.

“Chasten your son while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction.” (Proverbs 19:18).

From Keystone Magazine
September 2000 , Vol. VI No. 5
P O Box 9064
Palmerston North
Phone: (06) 357-4399
Fax: (06) 357-4389
email: craig@hef.org.nz